slipper familiy, they aren't golden, but they are mine.

i have made contact. i am officially back in my families lives.
its been 6 years of no contact with most of them. my aunty joan and uncle ron (my guardians) who i love, as they brought me up after my mothers death, my eldest and full blood brother jason, my youngest cousin mark, my half brother angus (have not spoke to him in around 10 years, and have not had much contact to do with him ever), my eldest half brother richard ( i have never had contact with him, he lives in the u.k) and my father, who i was forbidden to see after my mum died. i saw him once when i was a teenager, then again when i was 21 for about 2 weeks, then a year and a half ago i moved to melbourne and spent time with him for 9 months, then i left melbourne to move to the country in n.s.w and have not spoken to him in 8 months. then there was a quick phone call to scotland to speak with a great aunt i have never seen or heard of or from in my entire lifetime.
i forgot how demanding family are. i forgot how it felt to belong to blood. i forgot how quickly it can charge your heart with love.
family are like a pair of your favourite old slippers. they are comforting, warm and soothing. yet no one else can wear them as they are moulded to your feet, yours alone. sure they smell. they look worn out and old. most people would not attempt to put their toes into them, let alone wear them. but you wear them around the house, even wearing them down to the local shop to grab some milk. you love those stinky old slippers. and do you know why? to you, they are perfect. buy a new pair? how dare you suggest such a thing! i will wear those slippers until they die.
i am so happy i found mine again.
i tried going without them for too long.
my feet did not smell and no one commented on how old and had it they were.
but my feet got cold.
god it's wonderful to slip back into my old faithfuls.
i will wear them with dysfunctional pride.
and love it!

heroin chic, i mean dick

dan had dabbled with heroin on and off for a round 1 year (that i knew of). i was so naive. i remember dan and bad benny came to meet me at newtown station. i had finished work in north sydney. i was working at sydneys best agency, george pattersons. dan had a single red rose and was showing me alot of love. by this stage i was aware of the effects of heroin. especially with dan. alarm bells deafened me but i said nothing and returned the love. we were walking down king street and i asked the boys how their day was. then vomit all over the foot path. dan was spuing in the middle of king street. nothing unusual for the area. bad benny said 'i had that vomiting bug the other day dude, you must have caught it too'. i was furious. this had been a topic of ours on and off as i said for a year. every time he did it i would give him one more chance, threatening the next time i would leave. such empty threats. i loved that boy. he had a beautiful heart. he had had such a loveless parent less life. he had come through such adversities. and i thought he was gorgeous and cool.
i went off my nut. i told them both i was no idiot and i knew as soon as i had seen them they were stoned. denial followed suit till we got home and dan and i were alone.
this continued on for another couple of months. by this stage a few of my close friends had started to use, i thought casually, later i found out the real truth.
my heroin virginity was lost one night when milky and vanessa came over to our house. we shared a 5 bedroom place with 7 of us. we were all close friends and none of them used heroin and did not like anything about it.
they produced a packet of smack and had a new fit box. they asked us if we would like any. 'no way' was my reply. dan told me it would be safe and it was not as bad as i thought. milky and vanessa gave me the same spiel.
'ok then'
dan shot me up.
the warm rush started in my chest and made its way to all my extremities. fuck, i had never felt this way. maybe when i was a kid and that pure joy, love felling you would get from simple joys or a parents cuddle.
all my sadness vanished. all my worries vanished. i could switch my brain off. i could just think happy thoughts.
this was magic tool. i fell in love with it immediately.
i remember dans joy at how much i enjoyed it.
all i felt was love for him. love for my friends milky and vanessa. love for everything. i felt relaxed for the first time, perhaps in my life.

sharmanic conversion

life changes, epiphanies, shamanic conversions-there are thousands of names for it.
they come with pain, loss, hurt. it's a time when you are forced to look inside and reflect. to really see and understand your hurt whether you caused it or it chose you. look at it's repercussions, the effect it has on you, your life.
it's your play dough stage. if you don't remould yourself, you end up a mashed blob, hoping someone else will remould you. you can't wait for help when it comes to reshaping your own life. the longer you wait the further away you get from you desired design.
if you stay in this stage you seem to be magnetised to all the horrid self pity of hurt, pain, loss and confusion. it becomes an addiction, an annoying friend you can't seem to tell to piss off.
we needfully acquire the 'why me' syndrome. the longer we carry this badge with twisted morbid self pity, the further it seeps into every particle of us. taking over every fibre of our being.
KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK, FUCKING KNOCK. we must answer the door. welcome our shamanic conversion or whatever you want to call it. while giving the old pain in the arse faithful 'WHY ME' the boot. bury that fucker six feet under and it will be the only funeral you will cry tears of joy, dance with freedom, and become the person you really want, and should be.
good luck with it darlings if its coming to a cinema near you.

lust

my black eye make up, my red lips
heat from our bodies warm the silk sheets
an urge to fall into a picture void
where it's always lustful and erotic
drunk on bodily juices
we fly away
to an almost make believe world, where only we exist
one woman, one man
the highest we have ever felt
all natural
sharing our bodies
absolute heightened pleasure
we orgasm together
again and again
soaking wet,
a dream shared
holding each other till we fall asleep

natural progression

natural progression
the clouds are thick
natures winds constantly redirect their direction, shape, density
natural progression
ever changing patterns of beauty and brutality and cleansing
necessary for protection from the sun and elements
rebirth and hydration from the rain they hold and release for the need from below
natural progression
patterns of nature
patterns of life
i realise now the need and the power of
natural progression

willy again

my heart pounds
body electrifies
apart again
trying to live without each other
i have just thought of you
warmth and pain
ecstasy and devastation
why does it have to be this way
it can't be the lose of comfort and knowing
our love runs deep
pumps through our veins
circulates till it reaches our hearts
it's a love insane
we have so much
the keystone all are looking for
true love
please let go of your material jail
its all yours, i do not want it
please love me for who i am
my spirit, eccentricities, my qualities you fell in love with in the beginning
why crush them, crush me,
day by day
word by word
action by action
i hide these things in my internal treasure chest, locked away from you, your family, your friends
when i secretly unlock it you are no where near and i feel safe to be me
i let a select few see the real me
did you realise you owned its key
scared to be me
terrified not to be me
scared to never be with you again
feel your touch
hear your laughter
feel our love
together
you are my one
as i am yours
if only you'd change
i'd follow suit
we could be happy
our love so strong
if you'd be less concrete
become an earthy clay
love and happiness would find its way

more willy

the silent departing of a love denying
disappearing into the dark
my love
the thief
he has my heart
sleepless at night
comatose in the light
i look into you and i see nothing
i cannot find me in your eyes
i look into you and see the painful truth
i know what i must do
goodbye my love