why are men so emotionally retarded

willy is my man. well i guess not any more. we are not together. we are living together, still having sex, cuddles and tell each other we love each other. to tell you the truth, since we decided it was over things have never been better.



mind you, this on again off again thing has been happening between us for at least ten years. its a cycle. after a year or so it ends. usually willy wanting to finish things up. i move on, do my own thing, enjoy single life and the city. being me. solo.



when we are apart i cant have any contact with him because i am still insanely in love with him. eventually i wear down. he calls, i don't answer. he texts, i read them but don't reply. he can't understand this. i reply with 'its like this, if i can't have you, all of you, with me, as a whole, then its not enough and i don't want any of you. it hurts too much and i find it impossible to move on. it's hard enough trying to forget our love but to have to hear you in my ears, talk to you with my voice. it is too hard. it is too much'.



anyway i am different this time around. i am not weak, an emotional wreck, and this, this seems to be affecting him him in an unusual way. little things like pulling up the carpet. he bought this house over two years ago and as soon as we moved in i explained my excitement and need to rip up the carpet, polish the floorboards. last night after i vacuumed and cleaned for two hours (very unusual for me to be so thorough), he announces he is pulling up the carpet. i was so excited as i can imagine how gorgeous the place would look. the carpet here is a living culture. it had been a rental for years. mainly young students with a soft spot for parties and copious amounts of alcohol, they have left their scent on the carpet. it has worn out tracks in it where these students have walked from bedroom to lounge room to the kitchen, to grab another coldie no doubt. anyway you get the idea, this carpet is revolting and so fucking dusty. i dust and within two hours another layer has replaced it.

so we rip up the carpet together. it was great fun. something i had wanted to do since we moved in together. i am running around like an excited school girl and saying how wonderful it all looks and how gorgeous it will be when we polish it. he replies with 'why do you care you are moving out anyway'. what is he doing? why does he decide to do this after we have broken up? why couldn't he do this in the beginning? how does he want me to react? fuck it is so confusing. i am being emotionally bulldozed by this man i love, adore and cherish.

we just can't work things out. like all relationships after about a year you fall into a routine and the passion dies down. maybe this is our problem? we expect this feeling to continue on forever. it's such a predictable cycle. it's as reliable as my period!

if i leave this time i cannot come back. i have, we have been living this crazy cycle for too long. i want to travel for a couple of years, then meet the man of my dreams, settle down and have a family. i don't want to look back in another ten years and realise i have been living this cycle for twenty years and have no stable lover, no children. i just couldn't do it to myself.

he runs so hot and cold. one day he is so loving, the next he is asking when i am moving out. i know i am still here in the vague hope he will come to his senses and realise what we have really is a beautiful thing.

he said to me the other day that he would be happy the day i told him i was getting married and he did not have to worry about me anymore? worry about me? i took that as he would never be able to have me again and would be forced to move on.

can someone give me some light on this situation. seeing it from the outside. i may have it all wrong.

YEAH YEAH YEAHS - Modern Romance Lyrics | Collection of Song Lyrics at Song Lyrics.com

YEAH YEAH YEAHS -"Album: Fever to tell baby im afraid of a lot of things but i aint scared of loving you baby i know your afraid of a lot of things but don't be scared of love cause people will say all kinds of things that don't mean a dam to me cause all i see is what's in front of me and thats you well, ive been dragged all over the place ive taken hits time just don't erase and baby i can see you've been fucked with too but that don't mean your loving days are through cause people will say all kinds of things that don't mean a dam to me cause all i see is what's in front of me and thats you well i may be just a fool but i know were just as cool and cool kids they belong together"

song or poem or something

you make me dizzy
put me in a spin
i'm the only one that can see you
you know the one
the real you
electricity
sparks fly from you to me
sparks of pain
sparks of passion
i fuck you
i make love to you
i want you for your love and your pain
electricity baby
its all to blame

losing babies

my good friend rn_buffoon told me recently her sister had lost her baby. it was about 6 months old and stayed alive for two hours. they had a funeral for her. i feel so for her sister.

it brought back memories i had locked away, never to having to deal with again. when you stop taking heroin these gems surface to kick you in the gut. i have lost in total 5 babies. i do not have any children. i have had endometriosis for years and it has done damage. i had an operation a few weeks ago and received the best news ever. it looked good in there. he thought i may be able to fall pregnant naturally (i only have one fallopian tube as i had an ectopic pregnancy). if not he said IVF would be really successful for me. these were the words i was wanting to hear forever. the only catch i would have to try naturally by 34-35, 36 at the latest. the cut off time for successful IVF 37.

i have been thinking off my babies. i have never called them this before. they were the miscarriages, the ones that went down the shower then in a plastic bag to the hospital, or down the toilet or thrown in the bin, or sucked out or cut out by doctors.

my first would be 11. i know she was a girl. i know she would have been perfect. i know i would have loved her. but she was not meant to be. i loved having them inside me. i cant begin to imagine how much i would have loved them outside of me.

i love you my little babies.

brother where are't thou?

jason my dearest brother. what is going on? your pain radiates through the phone. your denial radiates though the phone. it deafens my ears and it rips through breaking my heart. i know i cannot help you. i can send you as much money as you think you need. i can listen to your eloquent lies as to why you need money. don't you realise i can see right through you? its like looking in the mirror. have you forgotten i too have been where you still are?

i know your pain, you desperation. i also know that no one can help you and by giving you cash we are helping you sink lower and lower into the that ground hog day nightmare. you may hate me. you made it clear you hate all the family and the rest of the world is there for the sole purpose to fuck your life up.

the difference is my darling brother, you have paranoid delusions. i had depression. your head is not working and you are full of hate. please get some help. not to buy more smack. help to fix your emotional and mental issues. that's all they are, issues, not problems.

i would take you away but when you returned you would go back to your life to medicate your pain away.

i know part of your pain. you did not go through it alone as you like to remind me. i lived it too.

i love you my darling

i love you dearly

tears are running down my face. i feel like i am letting you down. but i know i am not.

love what you have. love what you can have. it is never too late my darling. i am proof.

slipper familiy, they aren't golden, but they are mine.

i have made contact. i am officially back in my families lives.
its been 6 years of no contact with most of them. my aunty joan and uncle ron (my guardians) who i love, as they brought me up after my mothers death, my eldest and full blood brother jason, my youngest cousin mark, my half brother angus (have not spoke to him in around 10 years, and have not had much contact to do with him ever), my eldest half brother richard ( i have never had contact with him, he lives in the u.k) and my father, who i was forbidden to see after my mum died. i saw him once when i was a teenager, then again when i was 21 for about 2 weeks, then a year and a half ago i moved to melbourne and spent time with him for 9 months, then i left melbourne to move to the country in n.s.w and have not spoken to him in 8 months. then there was a quick phone call to scotland to speak with a great aunt i have never seen or heard of or from in my entire lifetime.
i forgot how demanding family are. i forgot how it felt to belong to blood. i forgot how quickly it can charge your heart with love.
family are like a pair of your favourite old slippers. they are comforting, warm and soothing. yet no one else can wear them as they are moulded to your feet, yours alone. sure they smell. they look worn out and old. most people would not attempt to put their toes into them, let alone wear them. but you wear them around the house, even wearing them down to the local shop to grab some milk. you love those stinky old slippers. and do you know why? to you, they are perfect. buy a new pair? how dare you suggest such a thing! i will wear those slippers until they die.
i am so happy i found mine again.
i tried going without them for too long.
my feet did not smell and no one commented on how old and had it they were.
but my feet got cold.
god it's wonderful to slip back into my old faithfuls.
i will wear them with dysfunctional pride.
and love it!

heroin chic, i mean dick

dan had dabbled with heroin on and off for a round 1 year (that i knew of). i was so naive. i remember dan and bad benny came to meet me at newtown station. i had finished work in north sydney. i was working at sydneys best agency, george pattersons. dan had a single red rose and was showing me alot of love. by this stage i was aware of the effects of heroin. especially with dan. alarm bells deafened me but i said nothing and returned the love. we were walking down king street and i asked the boys how their day was. then vomit all over the foot path. dan was spuing in the middle of king street. nothing unusual for the area. bad benny said 'i had that vomiting bug the other day dude, you must have caught it too'. i was furious. this had been a topic of ours on and off as i said for a year. every time he did it i would give him one more chance, threatening the next time i would leave. such empty threats. i loved that boy. he had a beautiful heart. he had had such a loveless parent less life. he had come through such adversities. and i thought he was gorgeous and cool.
i went off my nut. i told them both i was no idiot and i knew as soon as i had seen them they were stoned. denial followed suit till we got home and dan and i were alone.
this continued on for another couple of months. by this stage a few of my close friends had started to use, i thought casually, later i found out the real truth.
my heroin virginity was lost one night when milky and vanessa came over to our house. we shared a 5 bedroom place with 7 of us. we were all close friends and none of them used heroin and did not like anything about it.
they produced a packet of smack and had a new fit box. they asked us if we would like any. 'no way' was my reply. dan told me it would be safe and it was not as bad as i thought. milky and vanessa gave me the same spiel.
'ok then'
dan shot me up.
the warm rush started in my chest and made its way to all my extremities. fuck, i had never felt this way. maybe when i was a kid and that pure joy, love felling you would get from simple joys or a parents cuddle.
all my sadness vanished. all my worries vanished. i could switch my brain off. i could just think happy thoughts.
this was magic tool. i fell in love with it immediately.
i remember dans joy at how much i enjoyed it.
all i felt was love for him. love for my friends milky and vanessa. love for everything. i felt relaxed for the first time, perhaps in my life.