whats been going on...

well i have been off the computer for weeks now because i was sick of hearing the bitching from willy about the bills. i suppose i was also very busy with a new job and having to wake at 5am. my early rising is 10 am, so i am rooted from the change. i was and still am feeling a tad emotional, and i was staying away from this house till it was bed time.

a couple of weeks ago i was in bed and he wanted to talk. now, i hate talking about relationships, i am emotionally retarded when it comes to talking about relationships and love etc, especially after we have decided to split up. i mean whats the point? so there i was in bed watching tv and he was trying to talk about us. i was giving a very half arsed pretend job of being involved in the conversations. i guess i could relate it to when marge speaks to homer and he is watching tv, but i am homer.

he walks to the side of the bed and grabs an axe (i don't know why we have one there, intruders i suppose). then walks to the tv and bammo. the axe goes straight through the tv, glass flies around the room. i say nothing, do not react except for turning over to go to sleep. "god, i have always wanted to do that" was his response. he apologised and didn't try talking to me again.

i have been telling everyone i am leaving because that's what we had worked out. then a conversation comes up and he says well you won't be here. you decided we were over, and you are moving out of this town. but this is not the case, it was mutual. the only difference is he told no one, i did.

i am so fucking confused. here is this man i love always have, always will. he is a wonderful man, he has his life together, he has an amazing family, lots of friends, extremely responsible, he has so many perfect qualities, but we just can't seem to make it work. then when we are apart i have a great time, i have hooked up with some beautiful men, men that wanted to marry me the whole shebang. but i do not love them as i do willy. how can i marry someone i do not love as much as someone else. it does not seem right.

but i have to do something because my clock is ticking and each stoke is deafening.

what the hell is a girl to do?

he won't change, i won't change (unless he does). i guess we are two idiots deeply in love and intensely stubborn. not a great mix.

wish i could hate him. life would be so much easier.