Sunday, November 11, 2007
a couple of weeks ago i was in bed and he wanted to talk. now, i hate talking about relationships, i am emotionally retarded when it comes to talking about relationships and love etc, especially after we have decided to split up. i mean whats the point? so there i was in bed watching tv and he was trying to talk about us. i was giving a very half arsed pretend job of being involved in the conversations. i guess i could relate it to when marge speaks to homer and he is watching tv, but i am homer.
he walks to the side of the bed and grabs an axe (i don't know why we have one there, intruders i suppose). then walks to the tv and bammo. the axe goes straight through the tv, glass flies around the room. i say nothing, do not react except for turning over to go to sleep. "god, i have always wanted to do that" was his response. he apologised and didn't try talking to me again.
i have been telling everyone i am leaving because that's what we had worked out. then a conversation comes up and he says well you won't be here. you decided we were over, and you are moving out of this town. but this is not the case, it was mutual. the only difference is he told no one, i did.
i am so fucking confused. here is this man i love always have, always will. he is a wonderful man, he has his life together, he has an amazing family, lots of friends, extremely responsible, he has so many perfect qualities, but we just can't seem to make it work. then when we are apart i have a great time, i have hooked up with some beautiful men, men that wanted to marry me the whole shebang. but i do not love them as i do willy. how can i marry someone i do not love as much as someone else. it does not seem right.
but i have to do something because my clock is ticking and each stoke is deafening.
what the hell is a girl to do?
he won't change, i won't change (unless he does). i guess we are two idiots deeply in love and intensely stubborn. not a great mix.
wish i could hate him. life would be so much easier.
Friday, October 12, 2007
i want willy to change. he wants me to change. on and off, this has been going on for ten years. finally i have come to the realisation i cannot change, nor can he. we are what we are. and that's a wondrous thing. problem being we don't work as a couple. i love him so deeply as he loves me.
so the decision? i am moving out and i am moving on. literally, emotionally and physically.
i spoke to my good friend rn buffoon last week and asked her to tell me what to do. i knew what i wanted to do, but hearing her say it really helped. i gave her a few options, and she went with the option of me moving back to my roots. back to the to the town we both grew up in and where she still lives.
i decided tonight that i was going to run with it and move. i phoned her a couple of hours ago to ask if i could stay with her for a week or so. i will need that time to adjust. find somewhere to live and get a job. she was as wonderful as always, and told me of course i could stay with her and her family. miss buffoon said i could have the top bunk of her teenage sons room. apparently he is only there three nights per week. i hope he does not mind. i said i would be quite happy to sleep on her new chocolate coloured lounge. i told her i would pay rent and she wouldn't have a bar of it. instead i offered my culinary and cleaning skills. she seemed quite chuffed with that compromise.
i should let you all know now. i caught her at the pub, and she was in good spirits. she must have been there for an hour or so. after we spoke i sent her a text explaining if she changed her mind in the sobering hours of tomorrow morning i would not be upset because i know it's such a big favour. of course being the woman she is, she sent one back telling me i was an idiot, along those lines.
if you are reading this miss buffoon, it still applies. if you change your mind, or its going to cause any hassles PLEASE tell me. i won't be offended. you could never hurt me.
she has just bought herself a new 4wd so we are heading to the nudist beach. we are also going to her sisters to ride her horses. and best of all we will get drunk together, gossip, catch up on absolutely everything, and have lots of good old fashioned female bonding.
i can't wait. i wish i could leave tomorrow. i am so fucking excited! the thought of catching up with my long lost bestie. the possibilities my future now holds. my dreams and goals i have established in my mind. this is my time bitches! and i simply cannot wait.
i will however, miss willy. as i always do. this time is so different though. every other time i have left i always knew we would get back together. i always knew i would be with him till we grew into a pair of grey haired wrinkly prunes. not this time. i know this is the end. i know he is not my future wrinkled prune. i know we will always be in love and have a chunk of each other in our hearts. but that chunk is now of a love shared and grown out of. its also a chunk that is reserved for best friends.
i am happy. i am positive. i am excited. i am nervous. i am a six year old on christmas eve. i am a lucky thirty three year old single woman. my future is golden. my decision is made.
i can't wait for my future.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
mind you, this on again off again thing has been happening between us for at least ten years. its a cycle. after a year or so it ends. usually willy wanting to finish things up. i move on, do my own thing, enjoy single life and the city. being me. solo.
when we are apart i cant have any contact with him because i am still insanely in love with him. eventually i wear down. he calls, i don't answer. he texts, i read them but don't reply. he can't understand this. i reply with 'its like this, if i can't have you, all of you, with me, as a whole, then its not enough and i don't want any of you. it hurts too much and i find it impossible to move on. it's hard enough trying to forget our love but to have to hear you in my ears, talk to you with my voice. it is too hard. it is too much'.
anyway i am different this time around. i am not weak, an emotional wreck, and this, this seems to be affecting him him in an unusual way. little things like pulling up the carpet. he bought this house over two years ago and as soon as we moved in i explained my excitement and need to rip up the carpet, polish the floorboards. last night after i vacuumed and cleaned for two hours (very unusual for me to be so thorough), he announces he is pulling up the carpet. i was so excited as i can imagine how gorgeous the place would look. the carpet here is a living culture. it had been a rental for years. mainly young students with a soft spot for parties and copious amounts of alcohol, they have left their scent on the carpet. it has worn out tracks in it where these students have walked from bedroom to lounge room to the kitchen, to grab another coldie no doubt. anyway you get the idea, this carpet is revolting and so fucking dusty. i dust and within two hours another layer has replaced it.
so we rip up the carpet together. it was great fun. something i had wanted to do since we moved in together. i am running around like an excited school girl and saying how wonderful it all looks and how gorgeous it will be when we polish it. he replies with 'why do you care you are moving out anyway'. what is he doing? why does he decide to do this after we have broken up? why couldn't he do this in the beginning? how does he want me to react? fuck it is so confusing. i am being emotionally bulldozed by this man i love, adore and cherish.
we just can't work things out. like all relationships after about a year you fall into a routine and the passion dies down. maybe this is our problem? we expect this feeling to continue on forever. it's such a predictable cycle. it's as reliable as my period!
if i leave this time i cannot come back. i have, we have been living this crazy cycle for too long. i want to travel for a couple of years, then meet the man of my dreams, settle down and have a family. i don't want to look back in another ten years and realise i have been living this cycle for twenty years and have no stable lover, no children. i just couldn't do it to myself.
he runs so hot and cold. one day he is so loving, the next he is asking when i am moving out. i know i am still here in the vague hope he will come to his senses and realise what we have really is a beautiful thing.
he said to me the other day that he would be happy the day i told him i was getting married and he did not have to worry about me anymore? worry about me? i took that as he would never be able to have me again and would be forced to move on.
can someone give me some light on this situation. seeing it from the outside. i may have it all wrong.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
put me in a spin
i'm the only one that can see you
you know the one
the real you
sparks fly from you to me
sparks of pain
sparks of passion
i fuck you
i make love to you
i want you for your love and your pain
its all to blame
it brought back memories i had locked away, never to having to deal with again. when you stop taking heroin these gems surface to kick you in the gut. i have lost in total 5 babies. i do not have any children. i have had endometriosis for years and it has done damage. i had an operation a few weeks ago and received the best news ever. it looked good in there. he thought i may be able to fall pregnant naturally (i only have one fallopian tube as i had an ectopic pregnancy). if not he said IVF would be really successful for me. these were the words i was wanting to hear forever. the only catch i would have to try naturally by 34-35, 36 at the latest. the cut off time for successful IVF 37.
i have been thinking off my babies. i have never called them this before. they were the miscarriages, the ones that went down the shower then in a plastic bag to the hospital, or down the toilet or thrown in the bin, or sucked out or cut out by doctors.
my first would be 11. i know she was a girl. i know she would have been perfect. i know i would have loved her. but she was not meant to be. i loved having them inside me. i cant begin to imagine how much i would have loved them outside of me.
i love you my little babies.
i know your pain, you desperation. i also know that no one can help you and by giving you cash we are helping you sink lower and lower into the that ground hog day nightmare. you may hate me. you made it clear you hate all the family and the rest of the world is there for the sole purpose to fuck your life up.
the difference is my darling brother, you have paranoid delusions. i had depression. your head is not working and you are full of hate. please get some help. not to buy more smack. help to fix your emotional and mental issues. that's all they are, issues, not problems.
i would take you away but when you returned you would go back to your life to medicate your pain away.
i know part of your pain. you did not go through it alone as you like to remind me. i lived it too.
i love you my darling
i love you dearly
tears are running down my face. i feel like i am letting you down. but i know i am not.
love what you have. love what you can have. it is never too late my darling. i am proof.