mind you, this on again off again thing has been happening between us for at least ten years. its a cycle. after a year or so it ends. usually willy wanting to finish things up. i move on, do my own thing, enjoy single life and the city. being me. solo.
when we are apart i cant have any contact with him because i am still insanely in love with him. eventually i wear down. he calls, i don't answer. he texts, i read them but don't reply. he can't understand this. i reply with 'its like this, if i can't have you, all of you, with me, as a whole, then its not enough and i don't want any of you. it hurts too much and i find it impossible to move on. it's hard enough trying to forget our love but to have to hear you in my ears, talk to you with my voice. it is too hard. it is too much'.
anyway i am different this time around. i am not weak, an emotional wreck, and this, this seems to be affecting him him in an unusual way. little things like pulling up the carpet. he bought this house over two years ago and as soon as we moved in i explained my excitement and need to rip up the carpet, polish the floorboards. last night after i vacuumed and cleaned for two hours (very unusual for me to be so thorough), he announces he is pulling up the carpet. i was so excited as i can imagine how gorgeous the place would look. the carpet here is a living culture. it had been a rental for years. mainly young students with a soft spot for parties and copious amounts of alcohol, they have left their scent on the carpet. it has worn out tracks in it where these students have walked from bedroom to lounge room to the kitchen, to grab another coldie no doubt. anyway you get the idea, this carpet is revolting and so fucking dusty. i dust and within two hours another layer has replaced it.
so we rip up the carpet together. it was great fun. something i had wanted to do since we moved in together. i am running around like an excited school girl and saying how wonderful it all looks and how gorgeous it will be when we polish it. he replies with 'why do you care you are moving out anyway'. what is he doing? why does he decide to do this after we have broken up? why couldn't he do this in the beginning? how does he want me to react? fuck it is so confusing. i am being emotionally bulldozed by this man i love, adore and cherish.
we just can't work things out. like all relationships after about a year you fall into a routine and the passion dies down. maybe this is our problem? we expect this feeling to continue on forever. it's such a predictable cycle. it's as reliable as my period!
if i leave this time i cannot come back. i have, we have been living this crazy cycle for too long. i want to travel for a couple of years, then meet the man of my dreams, settle down and have a family. i don't want to look back in another ten years and realise i have been living this cycle for twenty years and have no stable lover, no children. i just couldn't do it to myself.
he runs so hot and cold. one day he is so loving, the next he is asking when i am moving out. i know i am still here in the vague hope he will come to his senses and realise what we have really is a beautiful thing.
he said to me the other day that he would be happy the day i told him i was getting married and he did not have to worry about me anymore? worry about me? i took that as he would never be able to have me again and would be forced to move on.
can someone give me some light on this situation. seeing it from the outside. i may have it all wrong.
5 comments:
Maybe what he means by that is that when you get married he'll know that someone else is looking after you; like his emotional responsibility of you would be gone?
Men, hey? Who can figure out why they do anything? Maybe him finally doing the floorboards is his funny way of doing something that might make you stay?
to floorboard or not to floorboard, that is the question. i don't know what to do, i don't know what he really wants. i will have to do what i want. just for me.
Best advice ever Honey!
x
I think you just hit the nail on the head and actually wrote about the state of MY marriage.
I'm in the same boat, to be honest, and therefore can't offer you any advice whatsoever. The difference with us though, is that we ARE living apart, but it's still been on and off for 2 and a half years...neither of us making the commitment to live with each other again, yet still not letting go.
It's crazy. I need something solid with him, or nothing at all. Like you, if we aren't going to be together, I need closure, and I need to move on. Being stuck in limbo is bloody awful. I hate it. I'm nearly 40 and don't want to be doing this when I'm 50. Unlike you, though, my baby making days are over, and you may be feeling your biological clock ticking.
You have to do what's right for you. Good luck...I know it's not easy when the L word is involved.
miss understood, its a hard thing to cope with. as women, strong women, we have to think what is best for us. we need to be selfish in a situation like this. if you let him know what you want and he cannot provide it then let him go. the funny thing is he will more than likely want you more than ever. it's then you have to think if you want him. good luck and positive thoughts your way honey xxx
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