my good friend rn_buffoon told me recently her sister had lost her baby. it was about 6 months old and stayed alive for two hours. they had a funeral for her. i feel so for her sister.
it brought back memories i had locked away, never to having to deal with again. when you stop taking heroin these gems surface to kick you in the gut. i have lost in total 5 babies. i do not have any children. i have had endometriosis for years and it has done damage. i had an operation a few weeks ago and received the best news ever. it looked good in there. he thought i may be able to fall pregnant naturally (i only have one fallopian tube as i had an ectopic pregnancy). if not he said IVF would be really successful for me. these were the words i was wanting to hear forever. the only catch i would have to try naturally by 34-35, 36 at the latest. the cut off time for successful IVF 37.
i have been thinking off my babies. i have never called them this before. they were the miscarriages, the ones that went down the shower then in a plastic bag to the hospital, or down the toilet or thrown in the bin, or sucked out or cut out by doctors.
my first would be 11. i know she was a girl. i know she would have been perfect. i know i would have loved her. but she was not meant to be. i loved having them inside me. i cant begin to imagine how much i would have loved them outside of me.
i love you my little babies.
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