i just spoke to my estranged, perhaps deranged should be used instead, father.
i can't help but love the man, but he is so self obsessed. he tried the old its not me that has hurt you in your childhood but all your dead mothers relations.
i must say there is some truth in this. after my mums death we were forbidden to see him. my aunt and uncle told myself and brother that he did not want us and he was not making contact with us. after a year i found my aunt and uncle in their room with some child's painting and a lot of pages of writing. i asked whom it was from and they replied with 'wrong address'. i went to the bin hours later and found it. it was from my father,the painting from my half brother angus. the deceit ripped through my heart like a catapult and i hated them for it. i was led to believe my father had abandoned me....he hadn't.
can you imagine the pain in my child heart? the one that was wanting a connection to what i loved and knew and craved so intensely.
so i found the phone number and address. i wrote and was never answered. perhaps they were intercepted, maybe he changed address.
years later when i was 15 i answered the phone and that thick scottish accent sent me into a spin. it was my daddy. i arranged to meet him. i wagged school and met him in the city. it was wonderful, the whole day. i asked him to take me with him. i wanted to live with him. his answer was a dance around no. it ripped through me. i had lost him again. i went home. i told my aunt what i had done. i guess then she thought the time was right to show me the papers from court, the ones that gave her guardianship. there it was in black and white. my fathers statement. i can't provide a stable home for my children. they would be better with aunt and uncle. the lie from him, the truth from them. fuck the lot of them. they all lie and bullshit. what is the fucking point of being part of any family. from that day on my friends became my family.
any who back to daddy dearest from talking to him tonight.
he explained in his thick scottish accent that he had had a shit childhood. his mother gave him away to a home and he had been molestered by her boyfriend.
that is horrid and it breaks my heart. but why can't he see he is repeating history with his 4 estranged kids. he had the audacity to tell me he did not need any shit in his life, ie me or my brother. but i found out the other day he speaks to his youngest son angus(my half brother) weekly. i did not mention this because i did not want to hear more bullshit. i don't know what i should be learning from this. perhaps just look after number one. yeah that's what it would be. did i mention i am his only daughter?