i guess it all started with my mothers death on my tenth birthday. as selfish as it sounds i wanted to have my party. i suppose i knew, even then how things would change so dramatically.
i knew she was dead because she came to say goodbye whilst i was sleeping. i loved her so much. she was my world. she was so beautiful. a dark haired long legged woman. she was always manicured, blow dried and looking perfect. she was my mum and i was devastated she had left me.
all the relatives were in the lounge room and i was on a fold out bed. i had just dreamt of her then the phone rang. i pretended i was asleep. i didn't want to face the reality of it all.
then the tears and heartache of why came from my relatives. i could not pretend to sleep any longer i knew what i had to do. i had to be strong for all of them. i was very good at it. i had been so strong already for mum and dad and my brother. i had lied to my grandparents religiously for years about my mothers emotional well being....and mine.
no dad had not hit her there were no fights. des the new husband was very nice. treated her like a princess. i was, still am highly skilled at the art form of deception. i like to think of it as warping the ugly truth into a mystical beauty.
so i woke from my pretend sleep to allow them to tell me the news.
i ran outside to be alone and vomit repeatedly. i could hear them calling my name, but i was not ready to put on my show. i had to compose myself. pull myself together so i would not upset them further.
it took me about 20 minutes then i reappeared. i knew i would have to show some emotion but it would have to be filtered.
i was right. as soon as they saw me their eyes pierced me in a foreign way. my god she looks just like her. this is her legacy. we will let her live on through her. it was like she died and they thought she was trapped inside of me. i was no longer emma i was sandy.
i hated it. i could only let my guard down alone at night. i would sob into my pillow till my eyes were swollen and my heart was broken. i would exhaust myself to sleep every night. how i longed for some sort of normality.
my mother.
i wanted to stay in our house and stay at my school where all my good friends were. but who wanted me and my brother? who really wanted us?
out of duty my mothers eldest sister and her husband took us in. there 3 children were turning into adults and they were ready to travel and retire. do what they had planned for years.
so we were packed up and left what we knew. our home, sydney, bondi beach, paddington markets, school, restaurants, a young hip inner city mum.
we moved to newcastle with our aging guardians.
our alien life had started.
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1 comment:
And that's where I came in...
You need to write the rest of this; it makes for a beautifully written yet sad story. Please Don't be put off writing it just cos I've discovered it; it Needs to be told. Fill in the details. Not for Me; Honeybun. But for You.
Hopefully it will finish with the Happily Ever After we were all promised.
Fuck Cinderella and that glass shard!
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